Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
