In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
