i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
