Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
