If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
