I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
