it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
i've created a new STD.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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