my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
barbara walters just said penis...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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