This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
