Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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