I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
