so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
