beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
