So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
