I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
