on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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