I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
