i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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