i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
