I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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