My room smells like vodka and shame
operation harelip BJ is a go
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
