is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
