So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
