I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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