I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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