If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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