After last night, I could never be a politician.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
