Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
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I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
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Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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