I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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