Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
