Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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