Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
