I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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