mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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