K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
