the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
