Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
