chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
