Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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