Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
