I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
