Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
