One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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