I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
