I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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