You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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