Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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