I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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