Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
vagina is talking i cant
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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