so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
