Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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