i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
40s are totally the cure
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
