is your mom at the bar?
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.