he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.