The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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