Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
