I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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