The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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