grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
